Sunday, December 30, 2007

heart chakra

I am exploring my heart chakra. Mich has posted some interesting questions...good timing, I might add, as I have been delving into my feelings pretty deeply lately, and a good deal of my suffering seems to be centered at my heart.

Do I love myself as I am? I always seem to be striving for more...I wonder if I would treat myself better if I truly loved myself. Certain choices could be better made. Do I act like my own best friend? Follow my own advice? I don't feel judgmental about myself, but I do set a high standard...I can always tell when it's too high though, and I'm not too hard on myself. I guess you could say I like me, but I'm not in love with me.

I can easily show appreciation for others, and I think I typically do. I make a point of this with my family, and my students. Strangers are even easier to be nice to, and it feels good to show appreciation to someone you don't know and may never see again.

I am of course holding on to strong feelings of grief. Grief hangs tight to adopted folk. In addition I grieve for the bond I once had with dh. Indeed it has changed, not disappeared...but will never be again. I grieve for our poor old dog Atticus, who we put to sleep on Friday.

I have deep feelings of resentment towards two men in my life. One I betrayed, and one betrayed me. I don't know what I can do to forgive these men and free myself from these wounds. Is it solitary work? Will time make it right? I get angry when I think of all the wasted energy as I puzzle it out...are relationships really worth it? Where is the joy?

The main part of myself that I deny is my Authentic Self. She is a very witchy and powerful being. She is whole unto herself, centered in her core. I sacrifice parts of this aspect so as not to seem too big, too powerful. And at what cost? I don't know how to get there other than to follow my heart.


Blogger LauraJ said...

Here's a big big hug! So fitting that our swap quilt is about love.
Happy New Year 2008. I pray you find the forgiveness and love you seek in the coming new year.

7:52 AM  

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